


Defense Mechanism

by Tshilaba



Category: Death Note
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5303309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tshilaba/pseuds/Tshilaba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, our strongest defense mechanisms are those that destroy us in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Defense Mechanism

"Iggy, what should I do?"  
  
"Write? I dunno, Matt. Writing helped you every other time."  
  
"And every other time it pissed him off..."  
  
Iggy snorted. "Don't you get it, Matt? When someone hurts a person, the one who was hurt strikes back whether they intend to hurt the other or not. The truth hurts. And when you hurt a person, you get hurt in return more than they did."  
  
"But that's why I can't hurt him willingly," the red head protested, his ears drooped sadly. "Because then I hurt. I just want him back..."  
  
"Matt, stop and think about that one. You know full well that no one will willingly stand by while you throw yourself to Mello, allowing him to hurt you. I won't stand for it, and Devin most certainly won't. He told you himself he'd end up hurting Mello if he took advantage of you again, or tried to get you into bed. Think about it. Yes, in your mind, you wouldn't mind having sex with Mihael if he asked you. Whether it was a one night stand, or a continual thing that always ended in him telling you he still felt it was wrong. Loyal dog or not, Mail, you can't take that. You'd do it just to keep him around. But think rationally for once. Try to bring Mello back into your life, as your friend or as more, and you risk losing the family you've found. Nellie, Devin, Kory. And probably a few more. And even then, there's no guarantee that Mello wouldn't leave you again. And then where would that leave you?" the brunette sighed.  
  
"...It'd leave me all alone...." Matt swallowed hard. "If I have to choose between having Mello, or having my family... I'd pick my family, no questions asked. Yes, both options cause me heartache, because both are very important to me. But, at the very least, I have my friends...and they can help me when the pain gets to be too much to bear. If I tried to get Mello back, I'd lose my family for sure, and there's no guarantee Mello would stay with me. Then, I'd be hurting, and I'd be alone. That's too much risk...too much pain..."  
  
"I'm sorry, bro. I wish it didn't have to be like this... But, he did pick his family over you."  
  
The red head sighed heavily before his ears perked up. "You know what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Huh?  
  
"The song, Iggy, by Apocalyptica. 'I Don't Care'. It fits how I feel. I don't want to stop caring, but it's the only thing that will stop the hurt. Yes, I'm forgiving to a fault, but there's a limit. I'd have been fine if Mello'd just said to me, 'Matt, I'm sorry, but I've really got a lot on my plate right now. Can we just call off everything, the engagement and our relationship, for now and still be friends? Then when I manage to get on my own, I can tell you how I feel about our relationship.' That would have been fine. I could have dealt with that."  
  
"But instead he just walked out."  
  
"Exactly. And that's where I draw the line."  
  
"Matt, I've thought of this... Devin and I have seen first hand how much this has destroyed you, being left by the one person that meant the world to you. And truthfully, it's painful to watch, because I don't know how to help you. I can't fathom how you feel. But, what about Mello?"  
  
Matt snorted. "I don't care. I mean, I do, somewhat. And whether he's realized it yet or not, one day, he's gonna realize how he really feels."  
  
"And realize the mistake he made?"  
  
The red head shrugged, his ears flicking dismissively. "By then it'll be too late though. The damage is done. And I'm through. I can't trust him any longer. Not after he walked out on me. You know, he hasn't removed me from any of his friend lists?"  
  
"He probably knows you'd notice then."  
  
"I would. But it's too late anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still talk to him. But I can't trust him like I used to."  
  
"No one expects you to, bro," Iggy said. "He broke his promise---"  
  
"Yes, he did. He swore to me he wouldn't leave me. Swore to me, Iggy. And he still walked out on me."  
  
"That's why Kory not talking to you has made you so paranoid. You're scared you've managed to push him away."  
  
"Yeah," Matt said quietly. "I'm scared he's left me too. I mean, it seems as if everything's perfectly normal on his end, and he's held conversations with others, even Devin. So why couldn't he make the effort to at least say hi to me? I've already lost Mello, I can't bear to lose Kory too. That would hurt even more... And it's not like I can just tell myself 'He thinks of you as a little brother. Even if he doesn't return your feelings, he's not going to leave you.' Mello swore to me he wouldn't leave me, and he left. Kory never promised anything..."  
  
"Oh, Matt..." The brunette paused, musing over his words carefully. "I've thought, people prioritize their lives, right? Well, I think some prioritize their friends too. In a way, out of sight, out of mind, you know?"  
  
"But none of them realize what that does to my sanity," the red head protested desperately. "The only one that comes close is Devin..."  
  
"Ignorance is bliss."  
  
"Yeah. But it doesn't change the fact that my sanity is slowly slipping away. It doesn't. Though, as much as I still worry about Mello's well being, I don't know why I do."  
  
"Ne?"  
  
"I mean, he could have at least tried to check up on me. He checked on Kirby, even though they had their diffferences, why the fuck can't he check on me? So, I really don't care anymore. Like the song goes 'If you were dead or still alive, I don't care.' And really, that's the truth. I've stopped caring. Part of me wants to, but that's the very same part that if it weren't for the fact of risking losing my family would be willing to have sex with him if he asked. That's the irrational part that loves him, even now. I have to stop caring, or it'll destroy me..." Matt sniffled. "Fuck, I don't need to cry now..."  
  
"Matt..." Iggy crossed the room and sat down beside his brother, rubbing the red head's back gently. "It's okay. It's better to let it out. Devin told you that the other night, remember?"  
  
"Yeah, I know..." Matt said, trying to dry his eyes and stifle a whimper. "But when I do break down, each time just gets worse..."  
  
"Shh. It's okay," the brunette said again. "One day they'll stop."  
  
"When?" The red head's voice cracked with emotion. "When I can't take the pain anymore? I was numb the first few weeks, but that was coz I had Kory to talk to. He has a numbing effect on me. A distracting one, too. Everything just seems...pointless and insignificant when I talk to him. Hell, I even stop playing games so I can talk to him...."  
  
"You used to do the same when you talked to Mello..."  
  
"Yeah, I did. I think that's part of why this hurts so much... Fuck this. I'm taking a shower and going to bed."  
  
"Matt, do you really think you'll be able to sleep?" Iggy asked in concern.  
  
"I never said anything about sleeping," Matt answered before walking out the door.  
  
"That's always been his defense mechanism," the brunette said sadly. "Whenever something hurts, he just stops caring. I just hope he doesn't stop caring about Kory as well. Losing one person is more than enough to destroy what's left of his sanity. He doesn't need to lose two..."  
  
***  
  
"If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, Mihael," the red head mumbled. "Go ahead and just leave all our memories behind. Coz I swear... I don't care at all."


End file.
